Friday, March 20, 2009

Lying and Crazy-Making

In families affected by alcoholism and addiction, there are many "cover-ups"-more bluntly put, there are a lot of lies. Familes affected by this dysfunction will lie to deny the problem of addiction. They will lie to make excuses for the mess addiction has created. They will lie to "save face" in a pretense to show their family as "normal". They will lie to cover up the pain. Yet, addiction is not the only situation we find lying as an issue in interpersonal relationships.

Recently, I had an experience with an old friend I reacquainted with. He was a trusted friend from college. In fact, he was
my best friend and helped me through a very rough time when I was younger. And now, unfortunately, he is a pathological liar. He lies about many things-from the simplest lies, such as whether he's traveling by train or car-to deeper, more damaging lies, which constitute true breaches of trust.

For over 20 years, I've been treating people with addiction and families who cope with addiction. ACOAs, adult children of alcoholics and the wives/husbands of people with an addiction often come to me for help understanding their loved one who is addicted. I, myself, am a child of an addict...however, not until now, have I understood fully how deeply painful it is to interact with someone with an inability to relate
truthfully.

It is always apparent how painful it is for the loved ones of addicts. Their situation is sad. They want their loved one to get help desperately and it's often an uphill battle.

Yet, it's not just about the drink or drug.

Like my friend, people suffering from addiction LIE. They lie to hide their addiction. They lie to escape the consequences of their addiction. And sometimes they lie out of denial and don't even know they're lying. They mostly lie out of a sense of deep shame and feelings of unworthiness.

What is the effect of the lying? When someone lies, particularly if it's a breach of trust lie, interpersonal bonds are broken. Especially if the person lying insists they are telling the truth and insists the listener is wrong or "crazy", deep wounds are the result. Both parties-the liar and the lied to-experience a sense of disconnection that is so difficult to mend.

In my situation, with my once trusted friend, I felt a hurt so deep, I began to question everything about him, and even doubted myself and my own judgement for caring about him. Currently, we are trying to recuperate from that pain, but it's not easy. Yet, the process of recovery can help.

If you are an ACOA or a family member of an addict or alcoholic, you are probably being lied to. It may make you feel crazy, unworthy or just plain bad.

Reach out. Come out of isolation. Make and sustain interpersonal relationships that will nurture and sustain you through this.





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Port Jefferson, New York, United States
Heart Centered Psychotherapist
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Out of your yearning for comfort, strength and growth, you may choose to let another offer you support and assistance. In my work as a supportive counselor, I offer you a growth-promoting climate. This is a climate where you will develop a deep trust in yourself, other individuals, and in your family or community group.
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