Asking for What You Want

In the last post, I spoke about getting your needs met. Well, easier said than done! In an intimate relationship; our needs are often raging, so why is it that we so seldom get them met?

Why are we often so frustrated and left feeling empty when we relate to the one person closest to us?


At the risk of oversimplifying-the answer is: WE DON'T ASK OUR PARTNER FOR WHAT WE WANT. And when we do ask, we ask for the general not the specific. Or we don't really ask; we demand and try to control!

Let me give you a few examples of some typical requests:

1. "I want you to be more open with me."
2. "I want you to pay attention to me when I talk from now on."
3. "I want you to stop nagging me so much."

The problem with these requests are: they're too general; they ask for something not just for now, but forever; they have the tone of an ultimatum; and they do NOT specify that a yes or a no is an okay answer.

Now compare the above requests with these:

1. "I want you to tell me about your troubles at work if you're ok with that."
2. "I'd like you to look at me when we talk right now."
3. "I'd like you to use a softer tone of voice when you ask me to help out with the housework."
4. "I'd like to go to the movies tonight, and it's okay if you say yes or no."

These requests are specific. They are focused in the here and now-meaning that the receiver of the request can fulfill the request (or not) in the present moment. And they give the impression that a no response, as well as a yes is okay, and won't be met with an emotional disaster.

So try it. Next time you want something...ask for it. Be specific. And see what happens when you allow either a yes or a no to be ok!

Getting your Needs Met

A friend of mine was talking the other day about his friend's relationship. In that relationship, the couple had a "rule" that when the woman drove home from a date, he'd call her to see if she got home alright.

My friend, a lawyer, and a good arguer, found this scenario "infantalizing". He said something like this, "Why is that when people get into a relationship, the woman wants to be treated like an eight year old?" Then he went on to say that prior to the relationship, she got home alright, why not now?

Interesting point, attorney.

However, I disagreed with the conclusion that this situation necessarily meant anyone was being infantalized and I'll tell you why.

This is exactly what I told him

It's not the specific need that's at issue as a determinant of whether it's infantalizing. So it's fine if he calls her to check on her.

It's how you ask for the need to be met.

1. Babies cry/whine.
2. Adults ask and are able to take no for an answer.
2. Most baby adults in relationships (who haven't had their needs met as a child...most of us) manipulate, rage....etc.


When two people get into an intimate relationship it certainly does activate all those "childhood needs". Suddenly, we're in a place where all those unmet needs have a chance to get met! It's like "wow! yipee! finally, I can get my needs met!". But we all know, this doesn't last. Eventually, someone disappoints the other; then what do we do?" That's when the opportunity for healing occurs through the relationship. The tendency for many, at this juncture, is to get into "games"-not asking for what we need directly, but assuming "If my partner loved me, he/she would know." Not a good strategy. I think what's better, is yes, to ask for what you need/want, whatever it is. Learn how NOT to feel ashamed about asking. Then practice taking both YES and NO for an answer....

More on how to do this later.....

Attachment and Couples

We all know how difficult relationships are. Yet, understanding why that is so is entirely another story. There is a field of study called "Attachment Research" which helps to explain. Psychologists doing attachment research will often look at babies and their relationships with their mothers. They've found that some babies are secure, some insecure and avoidant, some insecure and clingy. What makes a baby secure or insecure, according to this research, is whether or not their mother (or father if he is the primary caregiver) was sensitive and responsive. But what does that mean? Well, a sensitive caregiver responds well to a baby's signals. There's a finely tuned dance that happens when a caregiver is responsive and he or she picks up accurately when baby needs attention, food, play, etc. In other words, the caregiver knows what to do! So the dance between baby and parent goes relatively smoothly because of the ability the caregiver has to "tune in". Unfortunately, sometimes this goes astray. Mother (or father) may be ill-equipped to "tune in" and baby winds up insecure. So what is the significance of this? Freud was correct when he stated that the early love relationship is the prototype for all others. When we're grown, similar patterns develop depending on whether we had a "secure or insecure" upbringing. Some of us are "tuned in" to our partners; others less so. When we're "tuned in", we know when our partner needs comfort, support, or some other need met, and we respond in kind. When we're not "tuned in", communication goes awry and we fight without resolution. For those of us who have more trouble, couples therapy can be of help. Couples therapy can be an environment perfect to learn the skills of "tuning in". It can be a viable substitute for the "secure base" we didn't have as a child. In couples therapy, we can learn how to be a better listener and talker, and thus, become more open and responsive to our partner. Most importantly, we can learn how to get our own needs met, and meet them for our partner....at least some of the time! FOR MORE INFO ON ATTACHMENT STUDIES, CHECK OUT THE SITE BELOW.





http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/attachment/