Asking for What You Want

In the last post, I spoke about getting your needs met. Well, easier said than done! In an intimate relationship; our needs are often raging, so why is it that we so seldom get them met?

Why are we often so frustrated and left feeling empty when we relate to the one person closest to us?


At the risk of oversimplifying-the answer is: WE DON'T ASK OUR PARTNER FOR WHAT WE WANT. And when we do ask, we ask for the general not the specific. Or we don't really ask; we demand and try to control!

Let me give you a few examples of some typical requests:

1. "I want you to be more open with me."
2. "I want you to pay attention to me when I talk from now on."
3. "I want you to stop nagging me so much."

The problem with these requests are: they're too general; they ask for something not just for now, but forever; they have the tone of an ultimatum; and they do NOT specify that a yes or a no is an okay answer.

Now compare the above requests with these:

1. "I want you to tell me about your troubles at work if you're ok with that."
2. "I'd like you to look at me when we talk right now."
3. "I'd like you to use a softer tone of voice when you ask me to help out with the housework."
4. "I'd like to go to the movies tonight, and it's okay if you say yes or no."

These requests are specific. They are focused in the here and now-meaning that the receiver of the request can fulfill the request (or not) in the present moment. And they give the impression that a no response, as well as a yes is okay, and won't be met with an emotional disaster.

So try it. Next time you want something...ask for it. Be specific. And see what happens when you allow either a yes or a no to be ok!

Getting your Needs Met

A friend of mine was talking the other day about his friend's relationship. In that relationship, the couple had a "rule" that when the woman drove home from a date, he'd call her to see if she got home alright.

My friend, a lawyer, and a good arguer, found this scenario "infantalizing". He said something like this, "Why is that when people get into a relationship, the woman wants to be treated like an eight year old?" Then he went on to say that prior to the relationship, she got home alright, why not now?

Interesting point, attorney.

However, I disagreed with the conclusion that this situation necessarily meant anyone was being infantalized and I'll tell you why.

This is exactly what I told him

It's not the specific need that's at issue as a determinant of whether it's infantalizing. So it's fine if he calls her to check on her.

It's how you ask for the need to be met.

1. Babies cry/whine.
2. Adults ask and are able to take no for an answer.
2. Most baby adults in relationships (who haven't had their needs met as a child...most of us) manipulate, rage....etc.


When two people get into an intimate relationship it certainly does activate all those "childhood needs". Suddenly, we're in a place where all those unmet needs have a chance to get met! It's like "wow! yipee! finally, I can get my needs met!". But we all know, this doesn't last. Eventually, someone disappoints the other; then what do we do?" That's when the opportunity for healing occurs through the relationship. The tendency for many, at this juncture, is to get into "games"-not asking for what we need directly, but assuming "If my partner loved me, he/she would know." Not a good strategy. I think what's better, is yes, to ask for what you need/want, whatever it is. Learn how NOT to feel ashamed about asking. Then practice taking both YES and NO for an answer....

More on how to do this later.....

Attachment and Couples

We all know how difficult relationships are. Yet, understanding why that is so is entirely another story. There is a field of study called "Attachment Research" which helps to explain. Psychologists doing attachment research will often look at babies and their relationships with their mothers. They've found that some babies are secure, some insecure and avoidant, some insecure and clingy. What makes a baby secure or insecure, according to this research, is whether or not their mother (or father if he is the primary caregiver) was sensitive and responsive. But what does that mean? Well, a sensitive caregiver responds well to a baby's signals. There's a finely tuned dance that happens when a caregiver is responsive and he or she picks up accurately when baby needs attention, food, play, etc. In other words, the caregiver knows what to do! So the dance between baby and parent goes relatively smoothly because of the ability the caregiver has to "tune in". Unfortunately, sometimes this goes astray. Mother (or father) may be ill-equipped to "tune in" and baby winds up insecure. So what is the significance of this? Freud was correct when he stated that the early love relationship is the prototype for all others. When we're grown, similar patterns develop depending on whether we had a "secure or insecure" upbringing. Some of us are "tuned in" to our partners; others less so. When we're "tuned in", we know when our partner needs comfort, support, or some other need met, and we respond in kind. When we're not "tuned in", communication goes awry and we fight without resolution. For those of us who have more trouble, couples therapy can be of help. Couples therapy can be an environment perfect to learn the skills of "tuning in". It can be a viable substitute for the "secure base" we didn't have as a child. In couples therapy, we can learn how to be a better listener and talker, and thus, become more open and responsive to our partner. Most importantly, we can learn how to get our own needs met, and meet them for our partner....at least some of the time! FOR MORE INFO ON ATTACHMENT STUDIES, CHECK OUT THE SITE BELOW.





http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/attachment/

Trust

We all seem to want to trust people. Some of us do more than others.
Some of us can be very untrusting, in fact, especially if we've had unfortunate life experiences that didn't help develop our sense of trust.

So we may hold back trust. And we may feel alone and a lack of connection if we don't trust.

So how do we deal with trust in Recovery?

Let's separate two types of trust:
1. Trust in Others
2. Trust in the Self

You may have learned that some people can't be trusted. Maybe, you were hurt or abused. This was your experience and it is real. Don't deny it. You were dealt a difficult learning experience, and you have a hard time trusting. That's okay. So part of your recovery may be learning to differentiate "trustworthy" people from "untrustworthy" ones. And there is a difference!

You can do this! You can learn how to wisely choose your associates. You can acknowledge that there are certain signs that a person may not be capable of being a trustworthy friend. For instance,...if he/she has a drug problem, if he/she acts out violently, chances are, they will disappoint you.

Not surprisingly, trust in the self and trust in others go hand in hand.

Better choices. Better trust in the self. Better trust in the self, better choices.

But wait...is there something else we can do to build a deep trust in ourselves and others?

Yes, there is. We can begin to connect to that place inside of us and inside of others that holds our strength and potential and our common thread. You have it. I have it. Others have it, too. I like to think of it as the place of love, of our humanity. We are all human. We all make mistakes. True, some more than others. But even if we can't trust someone due to obvious reasons, we can still trust our shared humanity.

Meditation and the Self

Tonight, I led a meditation group. After the meditation, we began to speak about the self. What is the self? Who am I? I knew this would be a difficult question. I certainly didn't know the answer, but wanted to hear everyone's truth. I do know, however, that in a deep state of relaxation, when all the "noise" is quieted somewhat, we're more likely to find ourselves, experience ourselves, know ourselves perhaps.....

So the answers varied. Some people seemed to have a very good idea, while others were more confused.

I liked that.
There really is no "right answer."

In many of the guided meditations I lead; I say "You are not the body, you are not the mind, you are not the intellect, you are not ego. You are something far greater, a divine child from an almighty source. Perfection, waiting to be realized. Realize it now." An incredible yoga teacher of mine would say that in her relaxation exercise, after the class.

I believe it is true. We are all so much greater than the sum of our parts. And how often we diminish ourselves in our minds, when we succumb to the limited idea that we are just a conglomeration of our thoughts and feelings.

Think about it. You have a feeling. You have a thought. They change. How can you be that feeling or thought?

Yet, somehow, we also should not reject those thoughts and feelings. They are a part of us. We have them and that's okay. But do we need to hold on to them as if they define us?

Or is there something better?

The ABCs of Emotions in Recovery

Do you sometimes have trouble dealing with your emotions?
In recovery, this is one of the biggest challenges.

Whether newly sober or sober for ages, it can be difficult to manage the storm of feelings that seem to threaten to submerse you.

Here are few tips to help you ride out that storm.

Acknowledge that you have a feeling....you are not the feeling.

Then, ask yourself.....

1. What is triggering this feeling? (A) Often it's a situation that has occurred before.
2. What are you thinking about it? (B) Your belief.
3. What are the consequences of your beliefs? (C) Do you feel worse than you want to? Do these thoughts lead to destructive actions?

Remind yourself, that:

1. Your thoughts may not be based on fact. They may be exxagerated or habitual ways of thinking.
2. If you think your thoughts are far-fetched, irrational, or just exaggerated, dispute them, or detach from them.
3. Ask yourself : what do I need here? Validate the need and come up with a healthy way to meet that need (now or in the future).

Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs) and Intimacy

Are you:

Afraid of abandonment?
An approval seeker?
Attracted to "weaker" people you feel you must rescue?
A "stuffer" of feelings?
Isolated and lonely?
Frightened by criticism?
Terrified you'll be "found out"?

YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

ACOAs {Adult Children of Alcoholics (or drug addicts)} often have these traits in common. Being raised in an alcoholic or drug affected home causes pain, fear, even rage.

Recovery is possible. Stepping out of isolation and into greater peace and security is possible.

Warm, empathic, knowledgeable therapist/psychologist team trained in addiction field offering individual and group therapy.

Call today. Fees are sliding scale and I am truly committed to working with you.

Anna
631-875-9911