Cuddle Parties

What is a Cuddle Party? And why go to one?

Last Saturday night, I went to a cuddle party. I heard about it from my friend, Scott. I've known Scott for about 20 years now. He is a massage therapist, and I trust him to lead me into wonderful, healing, safe places.

So I went with my husband. It was an experience.

A cuddle party is a safe place to explore nonsexual touch and boundary setting. The premise is: many of us are starved for touch, particularly touch that is purely nonsexual and not just in the context of an intimate relationship. Some of us, unfortunately, have also had our boundaries violated when it comes to touch...in the form of sexual abuse, domestic violence or the like. So touch can be a threatening thing.

At a cuddle party, the cuddle party facilitator starts by setting the RULES. The rules are:

1. No means no. And NO is a complete sentence.
2. Yes means Yes.
3. (MAYBE is better off a NO because it gives a clearer message and discourages the requester to request again).
4. We are all responsible for our own emotions and taking care of ourselves if we get a NO. We will survive a NO.
5. Requests for touch (i.e cuddling, holding, massaging) need to be specific.
6. When we've had enough cuddling, all you have to say is "Thank You" and move on.

After the rules are laid out, the cuddling commences. The party we went to was gender balanced. It took place in a beautiful apartment on the Upper West side of Manhattan and the room had foam covered with blankets all over the floor. Refreshments were served, and the host was a middle-aged woman, who was warm, sweet and well-spoken.

Basically what happened next was people who wanted to cuddle you would ask to do so. And you would agree or not. There was spooning, massaging, hugging, and some stroking (of nonsexual areas)going on all over the place.

I am not going to say that it was all easy and fun, however. Challenging yourself to an experience like this, where your ego is on the line, can be a bit frightening. What if no one wants to cuddle you? Well, that didn't happen, but if it did, what then? Well, one thing you learn at this event, is: you will be alright. The facilitator gave an example of a little kid with a new tricycle riding all around a playground asking his friends if they want a ride on the back. The little boy is pure joy and happiness and as he asks his buddies to ride, the first few say No. They're doing something else--like jump-rope or video games. But the little boy is unperturbed. He doesn't wonder: Is it me? Is it my tricycle? Something not good enough? It's not about that. It's about the fun and joy.

As adults, we lose this fun-filled free-spiritedness of giving and receiving without expectation along the way. A cuddle party is possibly one way, although quite an unusual one, to explore the possibility of giving and receiving without fear. It is also an opportunity to heal--perhaps from abuse, trauma or codependency. If you are interested in this experience, check out the link below. Happy Cuddling.

http://cuddleparty.com/

Lying and Crazy-Making

In families affected by alcoholism and addiction, there are many "cover-ups"-more bluntly put, there are a lot of lies. Familes affected by this dysfunction will lie to deny the problem of addiction. They will lie to make excuses for the mess addiction has created. They will lie to "save face" in a pretense to show their family as "normal". They will lie to cover up the pain. Yet, addiction is not the only situation we find lying as an issue in interpersonal relationships.

Recently, I had an experience with an old friend I reacquainted with. He was a trusted friend from college. In fact, he was my best friend and helped me through a very rough time when I was younger. And now, unfortunately, he is a pathological liar. He lies about many things-from the simplest lies, such as whether he's traveling by train or car-to deeper, more damaging lies, which constitute true breaches of trust.

For over 20 years, I've been treating people with addiction and families who cope with addiction. ACOAs, adult children of alcoholics and the wives/husbands of people with an addiction often come to me for help understanding their loved one who is addicted. I, myself, am a child of an addict...however, not until now, have I understood fully how deeply painful it is to interact with someone with an inability to relate truthfully.

It is always apparent how painful it is for the loved ones of addicts. Their situation is sad. They want their loved one to get help desperately and it's often an uphill battle.

Yet, it's not just about the drink or drug.

Like my friend, people suffering from addiction LIE. They lie to hide their addiction. They lie to escape the consequences of their addiction. And sometimes they lie out of denial and don't even know they're lying. They mostly lie out of a sense of deep shame and feelings of unworthiness.

What is the effect of the lying? When someone lies, particularly if it's a breach of trust lie, interpersonal bonds are broken. Especially if the person lying insists they are telling the truth and insists the listener is wrong or "crazy", deep wounds are the result. Both parties-the liar and the lied to-experience a sense of disconnection that is so difficult to mend.

In my situation, with my once trusted friend, I felt a hurt so deep, I began to question everything about him, and even doubted myself and my own judgement for caring about him. Currently, we are trying to recuperate from that pain, but it's not easy. Yet, the process of recovery can help.

If you are an ACOA or a family member of an addict or alcoholic, you are probably being lied to. It may make you feel crazy, unworthy or just plain bad.

Reach out. Come out of isolation. Make and sustain interpersonal relationships that will nurture and sustain you through this.

Walking the Way of Compassion

Choosing a Therapist and Healing

When we choose to go to therapy, what is it that most of us want to accomplish?
What are our goals?
Some of us may want to overcome an addiction. Others may be experiencing trouble in relationships. Yet, others my be suffering from a phobia or obsessive compulsive disorder or depression.
What do these goals of therapy have in common?

Is a common desire for compassion?

If you thought about it; what is the one feeling that if we had more of for ourselves and others, many problems would simply fall away.

Maybe we can argue that it is LOVE.

With love, all things are possible, so they say?
But what if we're not ready to love.

What about compassion?

Is it not true that compassion for the self is integral to healing?
Don't we want others to have compassion for us as well?

Quan Yin, the Chinese Goddess embraces all sentient beings with her compassion...in the Buddhist tradition.

A therapist needs to have her traits as well. A therapist needs to have compassion so that she can encourage it in her client and give it to her client.

This is a trait I have.

Anna