Cuddle Parties

What is a Cuddle Party? And why go to one?

Last Saturday night, I went to a cuddle party. I heard about it from my friend, Scott. I've known Scott for about 20 years now. He is a massage therapist, and I trust him to lead me into wonderful, healing, safe places.

So I went with my husband. It was an experience.

A cuddle party is a safe place to explore nonsexual touch and boundary setting. The premise is: many of us are starved for touch, particularly touch that is purely nonsexual and not just in the context of an intimate relationship. Some of us, unfortunately, have also had our boundaries violated when it comes to touch...in the form of sexual abuse, domestic violence or the like. So touch can be a threatening thing.

At a cuddle party, the cuddle party facilitator starts by setting the RULES. The rules are:

1. No means no. And NO is a complete sentence.
2. Yes means Yes.
3. (MAYBE is better off a NO because it gives a clearer message and discourages the requester to request again).
4. We are all responsible for our own emotions and taking care of ourselves if we get a NO. We will survive a NO.
5. Requests for touch (i.e cuddling, holding, massaging) need to be specific.
6. When we've had enough cuddling, all you have to say is "Thank You" and move on.

After the rules are laid out, the cuddling commences. The party we went to was gender balanced. It took place in a beautiful apartment on the Upper West side of Manhattan and the room had foam covered with blankets all over the floor. Refreshments were served, and the host was a middle-aged woman, who was warm, sweet and well-spoken.

Basically what happened next was people who wanted to cuddle you would ask to do so. And you would agree or not. There was spooning, massaging, hugging, and some stroking (of nonsexual areas)going on all over the place.

I am not going to say that it was all easy and fun, however. Challenging yourself to an experience like this, where your ego is on the line, can be a bit frightening. What if no one wants to cuddle you? Well, that didn't happen, but if it did, what then? Well, one thing you learn at this event, is: you will be alright. The facilitator gave an example of a little kid with a new tricycle riding all around a playground asking his friends if they want a ride on the back. The little boy is pure joy and happiness and as he asks his buddies to ride, the first few say No. They're doing something else--like jump-rope or video games. But the little boy is unperturbed. He doesn't wonder: Is it me? Is it my tricycle? Something not good enough? It's not about that. It's about the fun and joy.

As adults, we lose this fun-filled free-spiritedness of giving and receiving without expectation along the way. A cuddle party is possibly one way, although quite an unusual one, to explore the possibility of giving and receiving without fear. It is also an opportunity to heal--perhaps from abuse, trauma or codependency. If you are interested in this experience, check out the link below. Happy Cuddling.

http://cuddleparty.com/

Lying and Crazy-Making

In families affected by alcoholism and addiction, there are many "cover-ups"-more bluntly put, there are a lot of lies. Familes affected by this dysfunction will lie to deny the problem of addiction. They will lie to make excuses for the mess addiction has created. They will lie to "save face" in a pretense to show their family as "normal". They will lie to cover up the pain. Yet, addiction is not the only situation we find lying as an issue in interpersonal relationships.

Recently, I had an experience with an old friend I reacquainted with. He was a trusted friend from college. In fact, he was my best friend and helped me through a very rough time when I was younger. And now, unfortunately, he is a pathological liar. He lies about many things-from the simplest lies, such as whether he's traveling by train or car-to deeper, more damaging lies, which constitute true breaches of trust.

For over 20 years, I've been treating people with addiction and families who cope with addiction. ACOAs, adult children of alcoholics and the wives/husbands of people with an addiction often come to me for help understanding their loved one who is addicted. I, myself, am a child of an addict...however, not until now, have I understood fully how deeply painful it is to interact with someone with an inability to relate truthfully.

It is always apparent how painful it is for the loved ones of addicts. Their situation is sad. They want their loved one to get help desperately and it's often an uphill battle.

Yet, it's not just about the drink or drug.

Like my friend, people suffering from addiction LIE. They lie to hide their addiction. They lie to escape the consequences of their addiction. And sometimes they lie out of denial and don't even know they're lying. They mostly lie out of a sense of deep shame and feelings of unworthiness.

What is the effect of the lying? When someone lies, particularly if it's a breach of trust lie, interpersonal bonds are broken. Especially if the person lying insists they are telling the truth and insists the listener is wrong or "crazy", deep wounds are the result. Both parties-the liar and the lied to-experience a sense of disconnection that is so difficult to mend.

In my situation, with my once trusted friend, I felt a hurt so deep, I began to question everything about him, and even doubted myself and my own judgement for caring about him. Currently, we are trying to recuperate from that pain, but it's not easy. Yet, the process of recovery can help.

If you are an ACOA or a family member of an addict or alcoholic, you are probably being lied to. It may make you feel crazy, unworthy or just plain bad.

Reach out. Come out of isolation. Make and sustain interpersonal relationships that will nurture and sustain you through this.

Walking the Way of Compassion

Choosing a Therapist and Healing

When we choose to go to therapy, what is it that most of us want to accomplish?
What are our goals?
Some of us may want to overcome an addiction. Others may be experiencing trouble in relationships. Yet, others my be suffering from a phobia or obsessive compulsive disorder or depression.
What do these goals of therapy have in common?

Is a common desire for compassion?

If you thought about it; what is the one feeling that if we had more of for ourselves and others, many problems would simply fall away.

Maybe we can argue that it is LOVE.

With love, all things are possible, so they say?
But what if we're not ready to love.

What about compassion?

Is it not true that compassion for the self is integral to healing?
Don't we want others to have compassion for us as well?

Quan Yin, the Chinese Goddess embraces all sentient beings with her compassion...in the Buddhist tradition.

A therapist needs to have her traits as well. A therapist needs to have compassion so that she can encourage it in her client and give it to her client.

This is a trait I have.

Anna

Asking for What You Want

In the last post, I spoke about getting your needs met. Well, easier said than done! In an intimate relationship; our needs are often raging, so why is it that we so seldom get them met?

Why are we often so frustrated and left feeling empty when we relate to the one person closest to us?


At the risk of oversimplifying-the answer is: WE DON'T ASK OUR PARTNER FOR WHAT WE WANT. And when we do ask, we ask for the general not the specific. Or we don't really ask; we demand and try to control!

Let me give you a few examples of some typical requests:

1. "I want you to be more open with me."
2. "I want you to pay attention to me when I talk from now on."
3. "I want you to stop nagging me so much."

The problem with these requests are: they're too general; they ask for something not just for now, but forever; they have the tone of an ultimatum; and they do NOT specify that a yes or a no is an okay answer.

Now compare the above requests with these:

1. "I want you to tell me about your troubles at work if you're ok with that."
2. "I'd like you to look at me when we talk right now."
3. "I'd like you to use a softer tone of voice when you ask me to help out with the housework."
4. "I'd like to go to the movies tonight, and it's okay if you say yes or no."

These requests are specific. They are focused in the here and now-meaning that the receiver of the request can fulfill the request (or not) in the present moment. And they give the impression that a no response, as well as a yes is okay, and won't be met with an emotional disaster.

So try it. Next time you want something...ask for it. Be specific. And see what happens when you allow either a yes or a no to be ok!

Getting your Needs Met

A friend of mine was talking the other day about his friend's relationship. In that relationship, the couple had a "rule" that when the woman drove home from a date, he'd call her to see if she got home alright.

My friend, a lawyer, and a good arguer, found this scenario "infantalizing". He said something like this, "Why is that when people get into a relationship, the woman wants to be treated like an eight year old?" Then he went on to say that prior to the relationship, she got home alright, why not now?

Interesting point, attorney.

However, I disagreed with the conclusion that this situation necessarily meant anyone was being infantalized and I'll tell you why.

This is exactly what I told him

It's not the specific need that's at issue as a determinant of whether it's infantalizing. So it's fine if he calls her to check on her.

It's how you ask for the need to be met.

1. Babies cry/whine.
2. Adults ask and are able to take no for an answer.
2. Most baby adults in relationships (who haven't had their needs met as a child...most of us) manipulate, rage....etc.


When two people get into an intimate relationship it certainly does activate all those "childhood needs". Suddenly, we're in a place where all those unmet needs have a chance to get met! It's like "wow! yipee! finally, I can get my needs met!". But we all know, this doesn't last. Eventually, someone disappoints the other; then what do we do?" That's when the opportunity for healing occurs through the relationship. The tendency for many, at this juncture, is to get into "games"-not asking for what we need directly, but assuming "If my partner loved me, he/she would know." Not a good strategy. I think what's better, is yes, to ask for what you need/want, whatever it is. Learn how NOT to feel ashamed about asking. Then practice taking both YES and NO for an answer....

More on how to do this later.....

Attachment and Couples

We all know how difficult relationships are. Yet, understanding why that is so is entirely another story. There is a field of study called "Attachment Research" which helps to explain. Psychologists doing attachment research will often look at babies and their relationships with their mothers. They've found that some babies are secure, some insecure and avoidant, some insecure and clingy. What makes a baby secure or insecure, according to this research, is whether or not their mother (or father if he is the primary caregiver) was sensitive and responsive. But what does that mean? Well, a sensitive caregiver responds well to a baby's signals. There's a finely tuned dance that happens when a caregiver is responsive and he or she picks up accurately when baby needs attention, food, play, etc. In other words, the caregiver knows what to do! So the dance between baby and parent goes relatively smoothly because of the ability the caregiver has to "tune in". Unfortunately, sometimes this goes astray. Mother (or father) may be ill-equipped to "tune in" and baby winds up insecure. So what is the significance of this? Freud was correct when he stated that the early love relationship is the prototype for all others. When we're grown, similar patterns develop depending on whether we had a "secure or insecure" upbringing. Some of us are "tuned in" to our partners; others less so. When we're "tuned in", we know when our partner needs comfort, support, or some other need met, and we respond in kind. When we're not "tuned in", communication goes awry and we fight without resolution. For those of us who have more trouble, couples therapy can be of help. Couples therapy can be an environment perfect to learn the skills of "tuning in". It can be a viable substitute for the "secure base" we didn't have as a child. In couples therapy, we can learn how to be a better listener and talker, and thus, become more open and responsive to our partner. Most importantly, we can learn how to get our own needs met, and meet them for our partner....at least some of the time! FOR MORE INFO ON ATTACHMENT STUDIES, CHECK OUT THE SITE BELOW.





http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/attachment/

Trust

We all seem to want to trust people. Some of us do more than others.
Some of us can be very untrusting, in fact, especially if we've had unfortunate life experiences that didn't help develop our sense of trust.

So we may hold back trust. And we may feel alone and a lack of connection if we don't trust.

So how do we deal with trust in Recovery?

Let's separate two types of trust:
1. Trust in Others
2. Trust in the Self

You may have learned that some people can't be trusted. Maybe, you were hurt or abused. This was your experience and it is real. Don't deny it. You were dealt a difficult learning experience, and you have a hard time trusting. That's okay. So part of your recovery may be learning to differentiate "trustworthy" people from "untrustworthy" ones. And there is a difference!

You can do this! You can learn how to wisely choose your associates. You can acknowledge that there are certain signs that a person may not be capable of being a trustworthy friend. For instance,...if he/she has a drug problem, if he/she acts out violently, chances are, they will disappoint you.

Not surprisingly, trust in the self and trust in others go hand in hand.

Better choices. Better trust in the self. Better trust in the self, better choices.

But wait...is there something else we can do to build a deep trust in ourselves and others?

Yes, there is. We can begin to connect to that place inside of us and inside of others that holds our strength and potential and our common thread. You have it. I have it. Others have it, too. I like to think of it as the place of love, of our humanity. We are all human. We all make mistakes. True, some more than others. But even if we can't trust someone due to obvious reasons, we can still trust our shared humanity.