Asking for What You Want

In the last post, I spoke about getting your needs met. Well, easier said than done! In an intimate relationship; our needs are often raging, so why is it that we so seldom get them met?

Why are we often so frustrated and left feeling empty when we relate to the one person closest to us?


At the risk of oversimplifying-the answer is: WE DON'T ASK OUR PARTNER FOR WHAT WE WANT. And when we do ask, we ask for the general not the specific. Or we don't really ask; we demand and try to control!

Let me give you a few examples of some typical requests:

1. "I want you to be more open with me."
2. "I want you to pay attention to me when I talk from now on."
3. "I want you to stop nagging me so much."

The problem with these requests are: they're too general; they ask for something not just for now, but forever; they have the tone of an ultimatum; and they do NOT specify that a yes or a no is an okay answer.

Now compare the above requests with these:

1. "I want you to tell me about your troubles at work if you're ok with that."
2. "I'd like you to look at me when we talk right now."
3. "I'd like you to use a softer tone of voice when you ask me to help out with the housework."
4. "I'd like to go to the movies tonight, and it's okay if you say yes or no."

These requests are specific. They are focused in the here and now-meaning that the receiver of the request can fulfill the request (or not) in the present moment. And they give the impression that a no response, as well as a yes is okay, and won't be met with an emotional disaster.

So try it. Next time you want something...ask for it. Be specific. And see what happens when you allow either a yes or a no to be ok!