Getting your Needs Met

A friend of mine was talking the other day about his friend's relationship. In that relationship, the couple had a "rule" that when the woman drove home from a date, he'd call her to see if she got home alright.

My friend, a lawyer, and a good arguer, found this scenario "infantalizing". He said something like this, "Why is that when people get into a relationship, the woman wants to be treated like an eight year old?" Then he went on to say that prior to the relationship, she got home alright, why not now?

Interesting point, attorney.

However, I disagreed with the conclusion that this situation necessarily meant anyone was being infantalized and I'll tell you why.

This is exactly what I told him

It's not the specific need that's at issue as a determinant of whether it's infantalizing. So it's fine if he calls her to check on her.

It's how you ask for the need to be met.

1. Babies cry/whine.
2. Adults ask and are able to take no for an answer.
2. Most baby adults in relationships (who haven't had their needs met as a child...most of us) manipulate, rage....etc.


When two people get into an intimate relationship it certainly does activate all those "childhood needs". Suddenly, we're in a place where all those unmet needs have a chance to get met! It's like "wow! yipee! finally, I can get my needs met!". But we all know, this doesn't last. Eventually, someone disappoints the other; then what do we do?" That's when the opportunity for healing occurs through the relationship. The tendency for many, at this juncture, is to get into "games"-not asking for what we need directly, but assuming "If my partner loved me, he/she would know." Not a good strategy. I think what's better, is yes, to ask for what you need/want, whatever it is. Learn how NOT to feel ashamed about asking. Then practice taking both YES and NO for an answer....

More on how to do this later.....