Attachment and Couples

We all know how difficult relationships are. Yet, understanding why that is so is entirely another story. There is a field of study called "Attachment Research" which helps to explain. Psychologists doing attachment research will often look at babies and their relationships with their mothers. They've found that some babies are secure, some insecure and avoidant, some insecure and clingy. What makes a baby secure or insecure, according to this research, is whether or not their mother (or father if he is the primary caregiver) was sensitive and responsive. But what does that mean? Well, a sensitive caregiver responds well to a baby's signals. There's a finely tuned dance that happens when a caregiver is responsive and he or she picks up accurately when baby needs attention, food, play, etc. In other words, the caregiver knows what to do! So the dance between baby and parent goes relatively smoothly because of the ability the caregiver has to "tune in". Unfortunately, sometimes this goes astray. Mother (or father) may be ill-equipped to "tune in" and baby winds up insecure. So what is the significance of this? Freud was correct when he stated that the early love relationship is the prototype for all others. When we're grown, similar patterns develop depending on whether we had a "secure or insecure" upbringing. Some of us are "tuned in" to our partners; others less so. When we're "tuned in", we know when our partner needs comfort, support, or some other need met, and we respond in kind. When we're not "tuned in", communication goes awry and we fight without resolution. For those of us who have more trouble, couples therapy can be of help. Couples therapy can be an environment perfect to learn the skills of "tuning in". It can be a viable substitute for the "secure base" we didn't have as a child. In couples therapy, we can learn how to be a better listener and talker, and thus, become more open and responsive to our partner. Most importantly, we can learn how to get our own needs met, and meet them for our partner....at least some of the time! FOR MORE INFO ON ATTACHMENT STUDIES, CHECK OUT THE SITE BELOW.





http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/attachment/